Social Anxiety or Social Phobia is definetly the worst disorder to have.
Reason being that with any other personality disorder or mental disorder, a person basically still makes friends and has intimate relations very easily. Social anxiety disables that.
Humans are hard-wired to really enjoy social networking and forming intimate relationships.
Looking back at the dozens of missed opportunities in my life, I can only shake my head. It is frustrating going to websites like Facebook to see some of these people whom I should have been friends with or dated, but because of anxiety, I was viewed as being "weird". It hurts to be rejected, especially when my self-esteem used to hang on their every word and action.
Not being able to talk and become outgoing is the equivalent of cutting the wings off of an eagle, or breaking a cheetah's legs. It is deblitating at a very fundamental level.
There's no easy way around it.
You either go on facebook and try to be popular, avoid going on those sites all together, or focus on success and happiness in real life. Or maybe some combination of the above. It's up to you.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Nov 1, 2007
You Owe It To Yourself To Overcome Depression and Anxiety. Favorite Mistake.
Looking back at my life being depressed, always having the belief that I would fail in most social happenings, I feel sad. I feel sad for all the missed opportunities that were there. The girls who were probably interested (atleast open to the idea of wanting to get to know me better), and either I never even talked to them or if I did, I messed it up with silent awkwardness.
Some were even very obviously flirting with me but I had such a defeatist attitude that it went right over my head. Or I would have so much self doubt that it would turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I have missed opportunities that will never come again, but luckily I finally fixed it from now onwards. I'm not dying anytime soon and the world is my oyster.
Things are still not 100% perfect. At a job meeting, my heart will sometimes noticibly beat harder and faster when I am about to talk. But I go with it anyway. I notice that if I don't talk much in public for awhile I get a bit rusty. Life is an accumulation of habits.
It reminds me of what someone who is really talkative told me as advice when he saw how quiet I was: talk louder, just say something. It doesn't matter if it is wrong, no one really cares.
Having SA makes a person have a bad habit of being very negative. It's borderline delusional to think that everyone is quietly judging you. Honestly, 5 seconds later, even if you make a mistake, most people won't even remember it. Even if you said something quite wrong/awkward, if you are better next time, they won't even remember the first mistake at all. Honestly, people don't think about you as much as you think they do. Their lives are busy and are not focused on yours.
Anyway I was thinking about how genes are related to personality. I wonder how much genes and dna are related to a person with anxiety?
Oct 30, 2007
Social Anxiety in 10 Words (or short phrases)
I sometimes go on social anxiety forums and it occurs to me a commonality with how everyone thinks and how I used to always think, in no particular order:
- Self-Conscious
- Inferiority-Complex
- Timidity
- Sensitive
- Low Self-worth
- Paranoia of being negatively evaluated
- Caring about how others judge them more than their own opinion
- Beat themselves up, leading to depression
- Habit of continuously avoiding social activities (irrational fear)
- Not getting enough experience talking and learning from socialized people (think of what would happen to a toddler who never gets to witness how people talk properly)
Looking at those, which ones would you say you have?
It seems like a mighty long list, but really if you take care of one problem, many others will go away with it. If you become reasonably comfortable with yourself, you've atleast taken care of #1, 2, and 3. If you develop perspective in your life and further your confidence just a bit, you've taken care of #4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. If you just force yourself to hang out with people who like to talk (learning through observation, and then interaction with them) #9 and 10 are taken care of. It doesn't have to be in order, you can start by talking to people etc, as long as you gradually gain perspective, comfort with yourself, and social skills.
Positivity and a willingness to learn have something to do with helping the process. And when I say something, I mean they are VERY big factors.
That's it.
Bam.
Bam.
Bam.
G'nite
Oct 26, 2007
Alienation is Bad
Love this song. Gwen's hair looks really nice...
Everyone probably has a different catalyst that put their social anxiety in gear. For me, there were a whole sort of things: I was born kind of sensitive to criticism, I became quiet, I didn't have a lot of relationships, but one of the big reasons was probably the feeling of alienation.
Feeling like a loner never made me feel happy. We are humans and we are social creatures. Having some sense of acceptance is quite important, and when during my teenage years I felt completely isolated, it made me have a very negative view of the world.
Sometimes that feeling will still creep up. It's like a chip on my shoulder where I feel that everyone in the world is against me. I look at "them", meaning "normal people" as the enemy. I have a natural competitiveness in me, so that doesn't help the problem.
One thing that helped me away from this problem was over the summer I got invited to someone's b-day party out of the blue. I went, didn't know anyone there except for the birthday girl, and mingled with so many people. I was completely out of my comfort zone, but something amazing happened. Afterwards, my brain de-programmed from all that me-vs-the-world attitude into acceptance. I realized that people were not out to get me. That feeling of alienation was from me, not from them.
It wasn't personal. If they weren't hanging out with me, either I didn't make the effort or they were busy with thier own lives. But certainly, they were not against me, per se.
Friendships are important, and it's the way our brain is wired--finding happiness by liking the people around us.
----
Anyway, for lyrics of the song:
Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright
But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
Oct 20, 2007
Why are people so scared?
When my social anxiety was at it's all time worst, one of the biggest obstacles was always the act of talking to people I didn't know.
But why?
If you are still in that mindframe, what exactly are you scared of?
I'm not scared anymore. The best way to describe it is that it's almost like a zen state where I've transcended self-consciousness and insecurities. I'm not scared of anything.
The human brain is very emotionaly controlled. Social Anxiety or Avoidant Personality Disorder by definition is irrational fear of the unknown. That is why it is a crippling disorder. But I've also come to understand that people in general have a lot of fears. They're scared of losing their jobs, they're scared of death...
Read the news, and it's all fear mongering tactics. Everything in the news is always negative. People getting killed, raped, blown up. Pollution that will kill you, rising temperatures that are going to raise the ocean levels by 100 feet if you you use your microwave too much, viruses that are spreading throughout your city that have built an immunity to medicine. What a great way to wake up bright in the morning to read that.
So I think that 98% of people in our soceity live in fear. They are conditioned on it, feeling like if they don't read the news, then they will get killed by the serial killer who's on the loose, or if they don't watch out, that bank robber will swipe their wallets.
It's just that people with social anxiety have more fear than the average person.
Fear is one of those things that's inside our brains to try to protect us. We don't want to aimlessly walk into a jungle and get eaten by a lion. But the problem is that if you're reading this, then you're likely in a developed country where this kind of thing doesn't occur and nothing will actually happen to you if you walk up to someone and talk.
Emotion vs Logic.
Emotion always wins. I don't care how logical you are, emotion always wins. But you can sway your emotions with some logic. The best way to get rid of social anxiety is to apply both emotion and logical improvement.
When I went on my vacation that cured me, the emotional improvement was obviously that I was enjoying myself, every single day was like pure bliss, no worries at all. Can you imagine living 3 weeks without ever feeling angry, sad, frustrated, stressed out, scared; but instead filled with joy, happiness, bewilderment at your new surroundings, forming friendships, getting together with family you've never seen before. Emotionally, you forget about the negative crap that fills your brain.
Logically it also helped because when I had social anxiety, probably my biggest fear was bumping into a person that I knew back in my past. I would actually turn my head sometimes or even physically turn around hoping they wouldn't see me. I would feel ashamed to be seen, especially if I was alone. When I was on vacation on the other side of the world, I would see millions and millions of people, not having ANY fear of bumping into anyone. You have no idea how empowering that felt. Instead of being perpetually self-conscious and on the look out, I actually enjoyed people watching. Logically I realized how many people there were on Earth, and how silly it was that I was living in such a small reality.
It really created a lot of optimism and changed my outlook on everything.
So why are people scared?
*Shrugs*
But why?
If you are still in that mindframe, what exactly are you scared of?
I'm not scared anymore. The best way to describe it is that it's almost like a zen state where I've transcended self-consciousness and insecurities. I'm not scared of anything.
The human brain is very emotionaly controlled. Social Anxiety or Avoidant Personality Disorder by definition is irrational fear of the unknown. That is why it is a crippling disorder. But I've also come to understand that people in general have a lot of fears. They're scared of losing their jobs, they're scared of death...
Read the news, and it's all fear mongering tactics. Everything in the news is always negative. People getting killed, raped, blown up. Pollution that will kill you, rising temperatures that are going to raise the ocean levels by 100 feet if you you use your microwave too much, viruses that are spreading throughout your city that have built an immunity to medicine. What a great way to wake up bright in the morning to read that.
So I think that 98% of people in our soceity live in fear. They are conditioned on it, feeling like if they don't read the news, then they will get killed by the serial killer who's on the loose, or if they don't watch out, that bank robber will swipe their wallets.
It's just that people with social anxiety have more fear than the average person.
Fear is one of those things that's inside our brains to try to protect us. We don't want to aimlessly walk into a jungle and get eaten by a lion. But the problem is that if you're reading this, then you're likely in a developed country where this kind of thing doesn't occur and nothing will actually happen to you if you walk up to someone and talk.
Emotion vs Logic.
Emotion always wins. I don't care how logical you are, emotion always wins. But you can sway your emotions with some logic. The best way to get rid of social anxiety is to apply both emotion and logical improvement.
When I went on my vacation that cured me, the emotional improvement was obviously that I was enjoying myself, every single day was like pure bliss, no worries at all. Can you imagine living 3 weeks without ever feeling angry, sad, frustrated, stressed out, scared; but instead filled with joy, happiness, bewilderment at your new surroundings, forming friendships, getting together with family you've never seen before. Emotionally, you forget about the negative crap that fills your brain.
Logically it also helped because when I had social anxiety, probably my biggest fear was bumping into a person that I knew back in my past. I would actually turn my head sometimes or even physically turn around hoping they wouldn't see me. I would feel ashamed to be seen, especially if I was alone. When I was on vacation on the other side of the world, I would see millions and millions of people, not having ANY fear of bumping into anyone. You have no idea how empowering that felt. Instead of being perpetually self-conscious and on the look out, I actually enjoyed people watching. Logically I realized how many people there were on Earth, and how silly it was that I was living in such a small reality.
It really created a lot of optimism and changed my outlook on everything.
So why are people scared?
*Shrugs*
Oct 17, 2007
Defeat Depression
This is what you do to defeat depression =)
Although this is comedy, there is some truth to it.
Although this is comedy, there is some truth to it.
Oct 13, 2007
How long does it take to get better?
Today, I happened to take a class close to where I used to take one back in 2005. I looked out the window and I saw something that reminded me of what happened over 2 years ago.
Back then, it was the very first time I had come in contact with any type of self-help or self-improvement philosophy. I had lived my entire life in my own little socially anxious world, and thought that basically I would have to become very lucky if anything were ever to happen. Although it's good to be lucky, it's even better to combine that with confidence.
I had just gone on my first dating tips website (it focused largely on self-improvement). I was very much entertained by a thread there where this pudgy guy would walk up to different girls and try to get their phone numbers. It was the first time in my life that I could see how there were no such thing as "leagues". I had always thought of people in terms of high school. Did I have a "chance" with a girl who was better looking than me? Would I be able to be friends with a guy who was really popular and cool? This website kind of broke the matrix for me.
So what happened?
A few days later, probably Spring of 2005, I was taking a class, and I remember seeing a girl walk by herself. She was pretty...dark hair with purple hilights...a very well dressed girl in all black...maybe a little too much make up, but someone who was very attractive. She was a kind of girl who I would used to think was out of my league and not even think about talking to. I thought to myself "I should approach her like that guy on the Internet". But a very strange sensation came over me...I could almost feel the anchors of my brain pulling me back asking me "Are you serious? It's you! You're not one of those guys who is cool and just walks up to girls. You've never been popular in your entire life, you're shy, you're kind of dorky, this isn't you."
I never ended up talking to that girl.
My anchors of my identity were still at the same place. Even though I consciously could tell myself what was right, subconsciously I had deep rooted identity issues. My brain simply could not believe it.
So how much time does it take to transform?
What's weird is that socially speaking, I barely improved at all from my teen years till I was 23 because I was complacent. I had a long term relationship, and then even afterwards when I was single, I would just hope to get lucky since I had no social skills. After reading some self-help stuff on the internet and books, my identity never shifted for another year and a half. I was still a person who was extremely insecure and self-conscious. I don't think it has to take that long though....I could have pushed myself harder....I definetly should have had thicker skin when a girl rejected me.
Without a deep level change, I don't think anything else works. You can logically believe something all you want, but if in the deep emotional identity level you don't, then it's not going to do anything.
The biggest thing to shift your identity is to know that your own opinion about yourself is more important than anybody else's opinion, especially some random person who doesn't really know you at all. We are often people of circumstance. A person may not like you based on a specific situation that arose, but under a different light, they may have been very close to you. Taking other people's opinions personaly just doesn't work.
I think this is largely tied into independence. If you are very comfortable and an independent person, with some maturity/introspection on your side, it's almost impossible to care more about other people's opinions of you.
You will only care about other people's opinions about you, if you don't know who you are.
You let them define you.
I was talking to a person on a forum who illustrated these last few points quite clearly. It's what she calls projection. Everyone projects an image of the person they're talking to. You might not know the person very well, but as humans we are judgemental, and we will project who we THINK they are, even though we don't know them that well. The problem with this and dating or any other relationship, is that if you have low self-esteem, and people are projecting an image of you, and you let them define you, you will be very hurt.
These people who don't know anything about you suddenly have the power to tell you your own self-worth based on something as fickle as judgement.
Since December of 2006 till August 2007, I can honestly say I transformed from a person who would be described by most as being socially awkward to being a person who is at the utmost confident mindset. The change started in December when I had a journal of goals to purposely try to make new friends.
What ended up happening was not only did I push myself to go out more, but I became a sponge for social knowledge. When I was working at this new job, I was absorbing and learning everything about how people interacted. There were quite a few people there who could talk very well, and I learned so much about socializing with confidence. I also saw people who were awkward, and I could see with a 3rd person perspective why they failed.
Although all this stuff helped, it wasn't until I went on a vacation in August that I got a deep level change. For the first time, I felt like a successful person who legitimately felt comfort in knowing who I was as a human being. I was no longer the guy with the defeatist attitude, thinking that around every corner I could get rejected and feel the sting.
It's tough to pinpoint exactly what led to the transformation. But through this blog I will try.
Cheers,
Mister A
Back then, it was the very first time I had come in contact with any type of self-help or self-improvement philosophy. I had lived my entire life in my own little socially anxious world, and thought that basically I would have to become very lucky if anything were ever to happen. Although it's good to be lucky, it's even better to combine that with confidence.
I had just gone on my first dating tips website (it focused largely on self-improvement). I was very much entertained by a thread there where this pudgy guy would walk up to different girls and try to get their phone numbers. It was the first time in my life that I could see how there were no such thing as "leagues". I had always thought of people in terms of high school. Did I have a "chance" with a girl who was better looking than me? Would I be able to be friends with a guy who was really popular and cool? This website kind of broke the matrix for me.
So what happened?
A few days later, probably Spring of 2005, I was taking a class, and I remember seeing a girl walk by herself. She was pretty...dark hair with purple hilights...a very well dressed girl in all black...maybe a little too much make up, but someone who was very attractive. She was a kind of girl who I would used to think was out of my league and not even think about talking to. I thought to myself "I should approach her like that guy on the Internet". But a very strange sensation came over me...I could almost feel the anchors of my brain pulling me back asking me "Are you serious? It's you! You're not one of those guys who is cool and just walks up to girls. You've never been popular in your entire life, you're shy, you're kind of dorky, this isn't you."
I never ended up talking to that girl.
My anchors of my identity were still at the same place. Even though I consciously could tell myself what was right, subconsciously I had deep rooted identity issues. My brain simply could not believe it.
So how much time does it take to transform?
What's weird is that socially speaking, I barely improved at all from my teen years till I was 23 because I was complacent. I had a long term relationship, and then even afterwards when I was single, I would just hope to get lucky since I had no social skills. After reading some self-help stuff on the internet and books, my identity never shifted for another year and a half. I was still a person who was extremely insecure and self-conscious. I don't think it has to take that long though....I could have pushed myself harder....I definetly should have had thicker skin when a girl rejected me.
Without a deep level change, I don't think anything else works. You can logically believe something all you want, but if in the deep emotional identity level you don't, then it's not going to do anything.
The biggest thing to shift your identity is to know that your own opinion about yourself is more important than anybody else's opinion, especially some random person who doesn't really know you at all. We are often people of circumstance. A person may not like you based on a specific situation that arose, but under a different light, they may have been very close to you. Taking other people's opinions personaly just doesn't work.
I think this is largely tied into independence. If you are very comfortable and an independent person, with some maturity/introspection on your side, it's almost impossible to care more about other people's opinions of you.
You will only care about other people's opinions about you, if you don't know who you are.
You let them define you.
I was talking to a person on a forum who illustrated these last few points quite clearly. It's what she calls projection. Everyone projects an image of the person they're talking to. You might not know the person very well, but as humans we are judgemental, and we will project who we THINK they are, even though we don't know them that well. The problem with this and dating or any other relationship, is that if you have low self-esteem, and people are projecting an image of you, and you let them define you, you will be very hurt.
These people who don't know anything about you suddenly have the power to tell you your own self-worth based on something as fickle as judgement.
Since December of 2006 till August 2007, I can honestly say I transformed from a person who would be described by most as being socially awkward to being a person who is at the utmost confident mindset. The change started in December when I had a journal of goals to purposely try to make new friends.
What ended up happening was not only did I push myself to go out more, but I became a sponge for social knowledge. When I was working at this new job, I was absorbing and learning everything about how people interacted. There were quite a few people there who could talk very well, and I learned so much about socializing with confidence. I also saw people who were awkward, and I could see with a 3rd person perspective why they failed.
Although all this stuff helped, it wasn't until I went on a vacation in August that I got a deep level change. For the first time, I felt like a successful person who legitimately felt comfort in knowing who I was as a human being. I was no longer the guy with the defeatist attitude, thinking that around every corner I could get rejected and feel the sting.
It's tough to pinpoint exactly what led to the transformation. But through this blog I will try.
Cheers,
Mister A
Oct 8, 2007
Seeing Yourself As A Loser
I used to always see myself as a loser. Even when I felt ambitious or kept telling myself positive thoughts, there was always a deep level negativity about it all. If you're suffering from any form of depression then there's a 99.9% chance you have it. It's the subconscious belief that you will fail. Maybe not at everything, but in certain things that matter a lot to you. I call these things identity level beliefs, because we use them to define who we are.
Even if I had lots of opportunities or chances, I would usually think that I would mess it up. It becomes such a big part of you, that there's a small part of you that actually wants it to happen--just so it will align with your own identity.
It's like in sports, when a team can suddenly go on a losing streak, or a team can suddenly go on a winning streak. It's not the talent that seperates them, it's the confidence. Do you think of yourself as a person who can do something or not? The answer should be a deep level belief in yourself, it's not a yes or no question to be answered on the surface.
How did I finally manage to destroy myself of this belief?
One great way was going on an extended vacation. When I left, I left all my emotional baggage away from me. I had spent a few weeks emersing myself in another culture, everyday with such peace and happiness, feeling a sense of belonging with cousins I barely get a chance to talk to. All those pervasive negative thoughts disappeared even when I came back. It's funny how much power the mind has.
One of the things that would sting the most was getting rejected by a girl, and then going on her webpage a few days later to see how happy she was flirting with other people or getting a new boyfriend. That hit my heart like a ton of bricks. It confirmed my own loser identity as a guy who always failed, and it crippled my self esteem since I was always seeking these random people for approval. This kind of thing perpetuated social anxiety as well as depression.
I'm happy that I'm no longer in that place.
Get out of your head.....I think a vacation can do wonders....connecting with family members or old friends....maybe even moving to a new place to start fresh.....all those negative thoughts only hold you back because you let it be part of your identity. When you remove it, there are no limits to your achievements.
Even if I had lots of opportunities or chances, I would usually think that I would mess it up. It becomes such a big part of you, that there's a small part of you that actually wants it to happen--just so it will align with your own identity.
It's like in sports, when a team can suddenly go on a losing streak, or a team can suddenly go on a winning streak. It's not the talent that seperates them, it's the confidence. Do you think of yourself as a person who can do something or not? The answer should be a deep level belief in yourself, it's not a yes or no question to be answered on the surface.
How did I finally manage to destroy myself of this belief?
One great way was going on an extended vacation. When I left, I left all my emotional baggage away from me. I had spent a few weeks emersing myself in another culture, everyday with such peace and happiness, feeling a sense of belonging with cousins I barely get a chance to talk to. All those pervasive negative thoughts disappeared even when I came back. It's funny how much power the mind has.
One of the things that would sting the most was getting rejected by a girl, and then going on her webpage a few days later to see how happy she was flirting with other people or getting a new boyfriend. That hit my heart like a ton of bricks. It confirmed my own loser identity as a guy who always failed, and it crippled my self esteem since I was always seeking these random people for approval. This kind of thing perpetuated social anxiety as well as depression.
I'm happy that I'm no longer in that place.
Get out of your head.....I think a vacation can do wonders....connecting with family members or old friends....maybe even moving to a new place to start fresh.....all those negative thoughts only hold you back because you let it be part of your identity. When you remove it, there are no limits to your achievements.
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