Video on Winning. One of my final posts.

This is a great clip. From time to time I watch it as motivation. The only part that is iffy is the last bit where he says a "loser is a loser". I know that when I had low self esteem, that's certainly not what I wanted to hear. But in that way, it's motivating, to prove to myself that I'm not a "loser". Now when I watch it, I agree with everything he says. Even the last statement; I now relate to Alec Baldwin's character more than the other people. The "loser" no longer represents me, it represents people who are afraid to go for their dreams. I believe people can change (myself as an example), but some people don't seem to want to change, which is why I agree with that statement.

I really feel that I am on the verge of being very successful in my business venture. It is a entertainment project, and I have poured my heart and soul into it. In my life, I've never been this determined.

I think I was only able to do this because I got rid of social anxiety. If I still had social phobia, I most likely would be stressing out over things that people with social phobia stress out on, and get depressed every other week. Do you see how pervasive social anxiety can be?

I realize that this blog has not been that great. I don't think I have really put in that good of an explanation. And I haven't really described how I cured social anxiety, except for bits and peices that someone would have to fit together like a jigsaw.

One reason is that it's not an easy answer. It's not a linear 1-2-3 finish. The mind is a complex, complicated thing, and I'm not too sure exactly how I got cured. It was like being bombarded with several different factors at the same time that all helped me. I was on vacation away from it all. All that anger and depression vanished as soon as I went to this place. The experience there also was very fulfilling as I have family over there and saw things in a new way. I was always being challenged by people who were outgoing. Normally that would have a negative effect, but somehow, because of who they were and where I was, it had a very beneficial effect. I could write 20 pages detailing the things I believe contributed to my success.

The second reason why I haven't described it, is that if I am going to go out of my way to write an in-depth answer, I'd like to know that it was not done in waste. You see, part of me doesn't want to describe it, because I feel that it would in a way, it would trivialize the experiences I went through. I know this goes against my "keeping a journal" mode, but it's almost like my expereince feels more pure because I didn't sit there analyzing it like some sort of math equation. I mean, as an analogy, if you fell in love with someone, you just want to be in the emotions, you don't want to painstakingly go through all the details of how you logically connected with each other. It would almost take away something from it right? Watch a movie like Before Sunrise (Ethan Hawke in a terrific film of 2 people falling in love in "real time", as well as the sequel Before Sunset) or Lost in Translation (Great movie, but can only be enjoyed if you like slow paced films). Movies like Before Sunrise work so well because they understand the emotion of something. I'm not sure I really want to sit there and break everything apart. One day it will happen. Maybe when my projects are done and I feel that I have the desire to reflect.

And lastly, I haven't been that thrilled with the viewership and responses. I use Google Analytics and I can see trends. I see things like how most of my readers come from Ontario, New York, California, and Eastern United States, with a sprinkle of Britain and Australia. But it's still a relatively small readership, with less than 1000 hits. In other words, there's nothing in it for me. It's like writing to myself. The few times I have gotten private messages have been very random and half-hearted.

Anyway, I spend every waking second working on my entrepreneurial project. I really think it will be big. My last words of advice for now...Believe in yourself. Don't fall into continual negative thought patterns. If you do, get a vacation, get out of your head. The world is much bigger than you think. Opportunities are endless. Your will/determination to succeed and desire to learn social skills from others will be the biggest factors in whether or not you can get over social anxiety. Find inspiration in things/people. See yourself as successful. Live by going after your passions.

The Genetic Factor

You are probably thinking I'm going to talk about social anxiety or depression and how some people are pre-dispositioned to get it.

Nope.

While a person born a certain way might become more suseptible to one of those things, that's not what I'm talking about.

This isn't necesarily about social anxiety, but about life. If there's something I've grown to accept these last few days, it's the fact that we are born with certain talents (and weaknesses too). We are born with certain personality traits that are instilled in us with dNA coding.

One of the things I've always had was a very strong determination to win. At anything. Even when I was 5, I would cry if I lost in a game. I hated losing and I always believed I ought to win. While that is normal to some degree, I definetly have it more than other people.

Probably as a result of that, I also have a very strong will to succeed. They call this "heart", or "drive". I don't think it can really be taught. It's an inherent personality trait. You can probably improve on those things with the right mind, but I don't know if you can be it 100%.

Ironically though, it wasn't really my drive that cured social anxiety, but my absense of drive. I think I had been trying and trying and trying so hard for a couple of years where I barely saw any improvement, and then when I relaxed and stopped thinking about it, it subconsciously all came together like a jigsaw puzzle that had never been solved.

I don't know if you can succeed.

You can if you have the will.

I always had the will, but didn't always have the confidence. Once I gained my confidence, I became the man I am today because I could finally realize my potential.

Right now I'm working on a project that I think will be very successful which is where I spend practically all my free time, and I don't think I could possibly have this kind of focus if I was lacking self-esteem and wondering every other day if a girl would be willing to go out with me.

Life is about habits. I used to spend hours on end in forums and surfing the internet. Or I'd wake up lackidaisical on weekends, lounging around doing nothing. When you are focused, these things don't happen anymore, and you realize how absolutely important time is. Time is by far the most valuable resource, more than money, more than anything. How you use it is fundamental.

Most people have enough time, they just don't have the focus, or the efficient use of time. Even myself just a few weeks ago, probably spent too much time procrastinating; that's why structure and focus are so important.

From the movie Coach Carter (I haven't seen it yet, but I love this quote):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

You Owe It To Yourself To Overcome Depression and Anxiety. Favorite Mistake.

Looking back at my life being depressed, always having the belief that I would fail in most social happenings, I feel sad. I feel sad for all the missed opportunities that were there. The girls who were probably interested (atleast open to the idea of wanting to get to know me better), and either I never even talked to them or if I did, I messed it up with silent awkwardness.

Some were even very obviously flirting with me but I had such a defeatist attitude that it went right over my head. Or I would have so much self doubt that it would turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy.


I have missed opportunities that will never come again, but luckily I finally fixed it from now onwards. I'm not dying anytime soon and the world is my oyster.

Things are still not 100% perfect. At a job meeting, my heart will sometimes noticibly beat harder and faster when I am about to talk. But I go with it anyway. I notice that if I don't talk much in public for awhile I get a bit rusty. Life is an accumulation of habits.

It reminds me of what someone who is really talkative told me as advice when he saw how quiet I was: talk louder, just say something. It doesn't matter if it is wrong, no one really cares.

Having SA makes a person have a bad habit of being very negative. It's borderline delusional to think that everyone is quietly judging you. Honestly, 5 seconds later, even if you make a mistake, most people won't even remember it. Even if you said something quite wrong/awkward, if you are better next time, they won't even remember the first mistake at all. Honestly, people don't think about you as much as you think they do. Their lives are busy and are not focused on yours.

Anyway I was thinking about how genes are related to personality. I wonder how much genes and dna are related to a person with anxiety?

Social Anxiety in 10 Words (or short phrases)

I sometimes go on social anxiety forums and it occurs to me a commonality with how everyone thinks and how I used to always think, in no particular order:

1. Self-Conscious
2. Inferiority-Complex
3. Timidity
4. Sensitive
5. Low Self-worth
6. Paranoia of being negatively evaluated
7. Caring about how others judge them more than their own opinion
8. Beat themselves up, leading to depression
9. Habit of continuously avoiding social activities (irrational fear)
10. Not getting enough experience talking and learning from socialized people (think of what would happen to a toddler who never gets to witness how people talk properly)

Looking at those, which ones would you say you have?

It seems like a mighty long list, but really if you take care of one problem, many others will go away with it. If you become reasonably comfortable with yourself, you've atleast taken care of #1, 2, and 3. If you develop perspective in your life and further your confidence just a bit, you've taken care of #4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. If you just force yourself to hang out with people who like to talk (learning through observation, and then interaction with them) #9 and 10 are taken care of. It doesn't have to be in order, you can start by talking to people etc, as long as you gradually gain perspective, comfort with yourself, and social skills.

Positivity and a willingness to learn have something to do with helping the process. And when I say something, I mean they are VERY big factors.

That's it.

Bam.

Bam.

Bam.

G'nite

Alienation is Bad

Love this song. Gwen's hair looks really nice...

Everyone probably has a different catalyst that put their social anxiety in gear. For me, there were a whole sort of things: I was born kind of sensitive to criticism, I became quiet, I didn't have a lot of relationships, but one of the big reasons was probably the feeling of alienation.

Feeling like a loner never made me feel happy. We are humans and we are social creatures. Having some sense of acceptance is quite important, and when during my teenage years I felt completely isolated, it made me have a very negative view of the world.

Sometimes that feeling will still creep up. It's like a chip on my shoulder where I feel that everyone in the world is against me. I look at "them", meaning "normal people" as the enemy. I have a natural competitiveness in me, so that doesn't help the problem.

One thing that helped me away from this problem was over the summer I got invited to someone's b-day party out of the blue. I went, didn't know anyone there except for the birthday girl, and mingled with so many people. I was completely out of my comfort zone, but something amazing happened. Afterwards, my brain de-programmed from all that me-vs-the-world attitude into acceptance. I realized that people were not out to get me. That feeling of alienation was from me, not from them.

It wasn't personal. If they weren't hanging out with me, either I didn't make the effort or they were busy with thier own lives. But certainly, they were not against me, per se.

Friendships are important, and it's the way our brain is wired--finding happiness by liking the people around us.
----

Anyway, for lyrics of the song:

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

What is Personality and is it Important?

When people make friends or go out on a date, the most important variable is "personality". The problem is that the term personality is often misleading.

There is not really much to do with your character. You could be a very trustworthy, hardworking, dignified individual, but if you don't have the ability to communicate an interesting vibe, it's all useless in terms of making connections with people. I used to always get upset when I felt like I "deserved" someone and didn't get them because I was smarter or a better person--according to me.

Personality is more about marketing. It's what you say, how you say it, not necessarily what you're thinking. That's what the humorous video above states, but it's not that black and white.

You can be very comfortable in your own skin (confidence) which is a real personality trait, which will usually translate to a good "personality" because you can now express who you are. Do you see how they overlap? It would be very difficult to fake a personality to someone if you are an insecure, quiet person, unless you're really good at acting above your anxieties. I'm sure you could if you wanted to, but if you have social anxiety or low self esteem it would be very taxing to keep up with it.

So it's much better to try to work from the inside. Learn to be charismatic by being comfortable in yourself, observing others who you admire, and the presentation-aspect of it will follow.

If you get rejected, it most likely isn't you, it's your presentation. This is especially true if the person doesn't know you very well. Whether I say something or not really doesn't change my character, it just changes perception. I look back to when I used to be very socially awkward, my character was basically the same. The only difference is that I'm more comfortable in my own skin, and have picked up on social skills along the way by talking with people who were better at it than me.

Can you believe so much comes down to marketing?

Mister A

Why are people so scared?

When my social anxiety was at it's all time worst, one of the biggest obstacles was always the act of talking to people I didn't know.

But why?

If you are still in that mindframe, what exactly are you scared of?

I'm not scared anymore. The best way to describe it is that it's almost like a zen state where I've transcended self-consciousness and insecurities. I'm not scared of anything.

The human brain is very emotionaly controlled. Social Anxiety or Avoidant Personality Disorder by definition is irrational fear of the unknown. That is why it is a crippling disorder. But I've also come to understand that people in general have a lot of fears. They're scared of losing their jobs, they're scared of death...

Read the news, and it's all fear mongering tactics. Everything in the news is always negative. People getting killed, raped, blown up. Pollution that will kill you, rising temperatures that are going to raise the ocean levels by 100 feet if you you use your microwave too much, viruses that are spreading throughout your city that have built an immunity to medicine. What a great way to wake up bright in the morning to read that.

So I think that 98% of people in our soceity live in fear. They are conditioned on it, feeling like if they don't read the news, then they will get killed by the serial killer who's on the loose, or if they don't watch out, that bank robber will swipe their wallets.

It's just that people with social anxiety have more fear than the average person.

Fear is one of those things that's inside our brains to try to protect us. We don't want to aimlessly walk into a jungle and get eaten by a lion. But the problem is that if you're reading this, then you're likely in a developed country where this kind of thing doesn't occur and nothing will actually happen to you if you walk up to someone and talk.

Emotion vs Logic.

Emotion always wins. I don't care how logical you are, emotion always wins. But you can sway your emotions with some logic. The best way to get rid of social anxiety is to apply both emotion and logical improvement.

When I went on my vacation that cured me, the emotional improvement was obviously that I was enjoying myself, every single day was like pure bliss, no worries at all. Can you imagine living 3 weeks without ever feeling angry, sad, frustrated, stressed out, scared; but instead filled with joy, happiness, bewilderment at your new surroundings, forming friendships, getting together with family you've never seen before. Emotionally, you forget about the negative crap that fills your brain.

Logically it also helped because when I had social anxiety, probably my biggest fear was bumping into a person that I knew back in my past. I would actually turn my head sometimes or even physically turn around hoping they wouldn't see me. I would feel ashamed to be seen, especially if I was alone. When I was on vacation on the other side of the world, I would see millions and millions of people, not having ANY fear of bumping into anyone. You have no idea how empowering that felt. Instead of being perpetually self-conscious and on the look out, I actually enjoyed people watching. Logically I realized how many people there were on Earth, and how silly it was that I was living in such a small reality.

It really created a lot of optimism and changed my outlook on everything.

So why are people scared?

*Shrugs*

How long does it take to get better?

Today, I happened to take a class close to where I used to take one back in 2005. I looked out the window and I saw something that reminded me of what happened over 2 years ago.

Back then, it was the very first time I had come in contact with any type of self-help or self-improvement philosophy. I had lived my entire life in my own little socially anxious world, and thought that basically I would have to become very lucky if anything were ever to happen. Although it's good to be lucky, it's even better to combine that with confidence.

I had just gone on my first dating tips website (it focused largely on self-improvement). I was very much entertained by a thread there where this pudgy guy would walk up to different girls and try to get their phone numbers. It was the first time in my life that I could see how there were no such thing as "leagues". I had always thought of people in terms of high school. Did I have a "chance" with a girl who was better looking than me? Would I be able to be friends with a guy who was really popular and cool? This website kind of broke the matrix for me.

So what happened?

A few days later, probably Spring of 2005, I was taking a class, and I remember seeing a girl walk by herself. She was pretty...dark hair with purple hilights...a very well dressed girl in all black...maybe a little too much make up, but someone who was very attractive. She was a kind of girl who I would used to think was out of my league and not even think about talking to. I thought to myself "I should approach her like that guy on the Internet". But a very strange sensation came over me...I could almost feel the anchors of my brain pulling me back asking me "Are you serious? It's you! You're not one of those guys who is cool and just walks up to girls. You've never been popular in your entire life, you're shy, you're kind of dorky, this isn't you."

I never ended up talking to that girl.

My anchors of my identity were still at the same place. Even though I consciously could tell myself what was right, subconsciously I had deep rooted identity issues. My brain simply could not believe it.

So how much time does it take to transform?

What's weird is that socially speaking, I barely improved at all from my teen years till I was 23 because I was complacent. I had a long term relationship, and then even afterwards when I was single, I would just hope to get lucky since I had no social skills. After reading some self-help stuff on the internet and books, my identity never shifted for another year and a half. I was still a person who was extremely insecure and self-conscious. I don't think it has to take that long though....I could have pushed myself harder....I definetly should have had thicker skin when a girl rejected me.

Without a deep level change, I don't think anything else works. You can logically believe something all you want, but if in the deep emotional identity level you don't, then it's not going to do anything.

The biggest thing to shift your identity is to know that your own opinion about yourself is more important than anybody else's opinion, especially some random person who doesn't really know you at all. We are often people of circumstance. A person may not like you based on a specific situation that arose, but under a different light, they may have been very close to you. Taking other people's opinions personaly just doesn't work.

I think this is largely tied into independence. If you are very comfortable and an independent person, with some maturity/introspection on your side, it's almost impossible to care more about other people's opinions of you.

You will only care about other people's opinions about you, if you don't know who you are.

You let them define you.

I was talking to a person on a forum who illustrated these last few points quite clearly. It's what she calls projection. Everyone projects an image of the person they're talking to. You might not know the person very well, but as humans we are judgemental, and we will project who we THINK they are, even though we don't know them that well. The problem with this and dating or any other relationship, is that if you have low self-esteem, and people are projecting an image of you, and you let them define you, you will be very hurt.

These people who don't know anything about you suddenly have the power to tell you your own self-worth based on something as fickle as judgement.

Since December of 2006 till August 2007, I can honestly say I transformed from a person who would be described by most as being socially awkward to being a person who is at the utmost confident mindset. The change started in December when I had a journal of goals to purposely try to make new friends.

What ended up happening was not only did I push myself to go out more, but I became a sponge for social knowledge. When I was working at this new job, I was absorbing and learning everything about how people interacted. There were quite a few people there who could talk very well, and I learned so much about socializing with confidence. I also saw people who were awkward, and I could see with a 3rd person perspective why they failed.

Although all this stuff helped, it wasn't until I went on a vacation in August that I got a deep level change. For the first time, I felt like a successful person who legitimately felt comfort in knowing who I was as a human being. I was no longer the guy with the defeatist attitude, thinking that around every corner I could get rejected and feel the sting.

It's tough to pinpoint exactly what led to the transformation. But through this blog I will try.

Cheers,

Mister A

Seeing Yourself As A Loser

I used to always see myself as a loser. Even when I felt ambitious or kept telling myself positive thoughts, there was always a deep level negativity about it all. If you're suffering from any form of depression then there's a 99.9% chance you have it. It's the subconscious belief that you will fail. Maybe not at everything, but in certain things that matter a lot to you. I call these things identity level beliefs, because we use them to define who we are.

Even if I had lots of opportunities or chances, I would usually think that I would mess it up. It becomes such a big part of you, that there's a small part of you that actually wants it to happen--just so it will align with your own identity.

It's like in sports, when a team can suddenly go on a losing streak, or a team can suddenly go on a winning streak. It's not the talent that seperates them, it's the confidence. Do you think of yourself as a person who can do something or not? The answer should be a deep level belief in yourself, it's not a yes or no question to be answered on the surface.

How did I finally manage to destroy myself of this belief?

One great way was going on an extended vacation. When I left, I left all my emotional baggage away from me. I had spent a few weeks emersing myself in another culture, everyday with such peace and happiness, feeling a sense of belonging with cousins I barely get a chance to talk to. All those pervasive negative thoughts disappeared even when I came back. It's funny how much power the mind has.

One of the things that would sting the most was getting rejected by a girl, and then going on her webpage a few days later to see how happy she was flirting with other people or getting a new boyfriend. That hit my heart like a ton of bricks. It confirmed my own loser identity as a guy who always failed, and it crippled my self esteem since I was always seeking these random people for approval. This kind of thing perpetuated social anxiety as well as depression.

I'm happy that I'm no longer in that place.

Get out of your head.....I think a vacation can do wonders....connecting with family members or old friends....maybe even moving to a new place to start fresh.....all those negative thoughts only hold you back because you let it be part of your identity. When you remove it, there are no limits to your achievements.

Does it really take guts to talk to people?

I remember just a few months ago, when I still was in a rut with regards to social anxiety, talking to strangers was always something I viewed as being hard. Difficult. Courageous. Whatever word you feel like putting in there.

My life is much too busy now, and my social skills are taken care of, so I don't really seek dating advice anymore. But just the other day I happened to go back to one of these dating forums and I saw a mindset that is very prevalent: the mindset of fear. It's the mindset that a person has to have a lot of "balls" to approach a stranger. A common frame of thinking is that dating and socializing is a type of battlefield. Men vs Women. Me vs. the Competition. Going Out vs. Staying at Home.

Everything is so serious. It's like preparing to be sent out to space where you are anticipating a war with aliens like in that movie Independence Day.

Listen....it's just talking. It's just walking up to someone and talking to them. If that act is considered "brave" to you, then you're in the completely wrong mindset. I used to think that it was a massive achievement to open my mouth.

I used to believe that I was winning some arbitrary game with myself if I could force myself to talk to people. Don't get me wrong, it's good to break bad habits and be more socialable, but to view it as some kind of intense accomplishment is simply not right. You're not doing yourself any favours by making it seem like it's such a big deal.

Even if you hype yourself enough and force yourself to talk to your crush, what will happen? You'll be nervous. You won't appear natural. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I've been in enough of those situations to know.

The mindset has to be that talking is EASY. That socializing with strangers is something that would be as anxious as walking up to your computer and pressing the power button. It's all in your head.

The more you think it's a tough situation, the more you will struggle. You've built it in your mind that it is a huge obstacle.

Think of someone you're not nervous around. Maybe a family member or close friend. Would you think it's weird if someone said to you "woah it took a lot of courage for you to walk up to your cousin and talk". It wouldn't make sense to you, right? It would seem strange that someone would even have that kind of mindset. That's exactly how I think of all those people now who think it's an act of bravery to approach someone.

It's bizarre how much my mindset has changed in just a couple months.

As I get more time, I will detail exactly how to help eliminate these types of self-imposed social handicaps.