"I'm Not Going To Think About Her"

Are you happy when you think of your past relationships?

Do you think about them at all?

What is Personality and is it Important?

When people make friends or go out on a date, the most important variable is "personality". The problem is that the term personality is often misleading.

There is not really much to do with your character. You could be a very trustworthy, hardworking, dignified individual, but if you don't have the ability to communicate an interesting vibe, it's all useless in terms of making connections with people. I used to always get upset when I felt like I "deserved" someone and didn't get them because I was smarter or a better person--according to me.

Personality is more about marketing. It's what you say, how you say it, not necessarily what you're thinking. That's what the humorous video above states, but it's not that black and white.

You can be very comfortable in your own skin (confidence) which is a real personality trait, which will usually translate to a good "personality" because you can now express who you are. Do you see how they overlap? It would be very difficult to fake a personality to someone if you are an insecure, quiet person, unless you're really good at acting above your anxieties. I'm sure you could if you wanted to, but if you have social anxiety or low self esteem it would be very taxing to keep up with it.

So it's much better to try to work from the inside. Learn to be charismatic by being comfortable in yourself, observing others who you admire, and the presentation-aspect of it will follow.

If you get rejected, it most likely isn't you, it's your presentation. This is especially true if the person doesn't know you very well. Whether I say something or not really doesn't change my character, it just changes perception. I look back to when I used to be very socially awkward, my character was basically the same. The only difference is that I'm more comfortable in my own skin, and have picked up on social skills along the way by talking with people who were better at it than me.

Can you believe so much comes down to marketing?

Mister A

The Obligatory Nice Guy vs Jerks Debate

Do girls like jerks?

Yes, but not because they are jerks, but because they are confident. I would say that 80% of jerks are very confident in themselves. Of the supposed "nice guys", maybe only 35% of them are confident.

When I say confidence, I don't mean generally, I mean social confidence. I remember when I was in school, no matter how shy I was, there were certain things that I was confident in...like certain classes that I knew I would get good grades in. But that doesn't matter socially speaking.
Being book smart doesn't really mean anything unless you can back it up with status or money.

I have heard a theory on intelligence by Cattell that basically describes 2 types of intelligence: fluid and crystalized.

Fluid intelligence is the power to reason and use information. A person who thinks fast on their feet would be a good example of this. Crystalized intelligence is the knowledge that one gets through research and studying. A book worm would be a good example of this.

Fluid intelligence is much more important in social settings. People will think you're smart, witty, confident and socially savy. A book worm person can often be perceived as dull, boring, and socially unadjusted.

In the nice guy vs jerks debate, the only nice guys who can win are the ones who can apply social skills. The great thing about skills is that they can always be learned.

There are some girls who will actually say they like a "bad" person because of the wild side. I find that this only occurs with girls who are about 18 or 19 years old. That mindset tends to disappear very quickly, or else you get these has-been party chicks who nobody seems to want to touch with a 10 foot poll.

Anyway, from my own experiences, I'd have to say that being nice isn't a bad thing, as long as you're not boring or a push-over. When people say "nice guy" they are actually referring to a guy who is timid, uninteresting, a mama's boy, a person who is generally always too polite.

There is something very un-natural about it. A lot of nice guys think that they should get a woman because they are nice to them. I used to ALWAYS think this way. It was embedded deep into my subconscious. And if they didn't like me, then I would be very bitter and resent them for it. If you think about it, it's a very scheming way to live; acting nice to someone for the sole purpose of getting something in return. If anything, I realized that being nice was really me tricking myself. I had probably watched too many Disney movies growing up and lived in a fantasy world.

There is nothing nice about acting like a pushover hoping someone likes you in return.

A girl does not just want a nice guy!

A girl wants a confident and interesting person. Period.

Interesting can be many things. Maybe you can make her laugh. Maybe you can make her feel really safe. Maybe you just have a vibe about you that she likes. But it comes from a place of who you are, not putting on an act.

Being boring in front of a girl is the equivalent of a woman being overweight in front of a man.

You cannot become bitter over the way a person is. The world is the way it is, and like any lifeform on Earth, if you want to survive you have to adapt. Staying resentful at how other people are better than you or judging someone for acting a certain way is the opposite of living in truth. I've noticed that some nice guys, if you really talk to them, are extremely angry and arrogant inside. They hold so much resentment against the supposed injustices in this world.

You can choose to have the attitude that life is unfair and you are a victim, or you can believe that life is what you make of it.

What do you think?

Does it really take guts to talk to people?

I remember just a few months ago, when I still was in a rut with regards to social anxiety, talking to strangers was always something I viewed as being hard. Difficult. Courageous. Whatever word you feel like putting in there.

My life is much too busy now, and my social skills are taken care of, so I don't really seek dating advice anymore. But just the other day I happened to go back to one of these dating forums and I saw a mindset that is very prevalent: the mindset of fear. It's the mindset that a person has to have a lot of "balls" to approach a stranger. A common frame of thinking is that dating and socializing is a type of battlefield. Men vs Women. Me vs. the Competition. Going Out vs. Staying at Home.

Everything is so serious. It's like preparing to be sent out to space where you are anticipating a war with aliens like in that movie Independence Day.

Listen....it's just talking. It's just walking up to someone and talking to them. If that act is considered "brave" to you, then you're in the completely wrong mindset. I used to think that it was a massive achievement to open my mouth.

I used to believe that I was winning some arbitrary game with myself if I could force myself to talk to people. Don't get me wrong, it's good to break bad habits and be more socialable, but to view it as some kind of intense accomplishment is simply not right. You're not doing yourself any favours by making it seem like it's such a big deal.

Even if you hype yourself enough and force yourself to talk to your crush, what will happen? You'll be nervous. You won't appear natural. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I've been in enough of those situations to know.

The mindset has to be that talking is EASY. That socializing with strangers is something that would be as anxious as walking up to your computer and pressing the power button. It's all in your head.

The more you think it's a tough situation, the more you will struggle. You've built it in your mind that it is a huge obstacle.

Think of someone you're not nervous around. Maybe a family member or close friend. Would you think it's weird if someone said to you "woah it took a lot of courage for you to walk up to your cousin and talk". It wouldn't make sense to you, right? It would seem strange that someone would even have that kind of mindset. That's exactly how I think of all those people now who think it's an act of bravery to approach someone.

It's bizarre how much my mindset has changed in just a couple months.

As I get more time, I will detail exactly how to help eliminate these types of self-imposed social handicaps.

Does the One exist?

Look at that picture for a good 10 seconds. Really closely look at it and be aware of the emotions that fill your mind when you are gazing at it.

Chances are, you're thinking about "the One". Does the One exist?

Ask yourself another question, when it comes to dating, why are people nervous?

There can be many underlying problems. But when it comes to dating, I've found that it really is because of the desperation mentality. It's the thought that there are very very few people in this world who will like you, and compound that with the idea that there are very few opportunities, and you basically feel like walking on eggshells when you are with someone you like. Scared, over-thinking, self-doubt, neurotic behaviour ensues.

A lot of people despise the "player mentality". I'm not really a big fan of it myself, but one thing that you gain by mingling with lots of people is you never have the desperation mentality. You see the world for what it is, talking to many different personalities, meeting more people than you ever imagined, and you realize some very essential truths.

Compatibility really isn't that rare. If you talk to someone long enough and you have decent conversation skills and a good head on your shoulders, you'll find a lot of people who would make either great friends or great relationships with. You'll also realize that opportunities are everywhere. Everytime you leave the house (or go on a social networking site to a lesser extent) opportunities are there. Stop tricking your own mind into believing that opportunities are rare. When you believe in the Abundance Mentality, a new world will open for you.

There are 6 billion people in this world. Take a vacation to a major city and walk around if that's what it is going to take to shake you out of your tunnel vision. I assure you, there are tons of people out there who can like you if you just open your eyes and follow your heart. Have fun, for crying out loud! Don't look at this as brain surgery, it should be fun times, and if it isn't, you're not thinking straight.

For me, a long term relationship is the ultimate goal, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be this uptight robot pondering the deep philosophical implications each time I talk to a potential partner.

"Work like you don't need money,

Love like you've never been hurt,

And dance like no one's watching."

--Crystal Boyd