I remember just a few months ago, when I still was in a rut with regards to social anxiety, talking to strangers was always something I viewed as being hard. Difficult. Courageous. Whatever word you feel like putting in there.
My life is much too busy now, and my social skills are taken care of, so I don't really seek dating advice anymore. But just the other day I happened to go back to one of these dating forums and I saw a mindset that is very prevalent: the mindset of fear. It's the mindset that a person has to have a lot of "balls" to approach a stranger. A common frame of thinking is that dating and socializing is a type of battlefield. Men vs Women. Me vs. the Competition. Going Out vs. Staying at Home.
Everything is so serious. It's like preparing to be sent out to space where you are anticipating a war with aliens like in that movie Independence Day.
Listen....it's just talking. It's just walking up to someone and talking to them. If that act is considered "brave" to you, then you're in the completely wrong mindset. I used to think that it was a massive achievement to open my mouth.
I used to believe that I was winning some arbitrary game with myself if I could force myself to talk to people. Don't get me wrong, it's good to break bad habits and be more socialable, but to view it as some kind of intense accomplishment is simply not right. You're not doing yourself any favours by making it seem like it's such a big deal.
Even if you hype yourself enough and force yourself to talk to your crush, what will happen? You'll be nervous. You won't appear natural. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I've been in enough of those situations to know.
The mindset has to be that talking is EASY. That socializing with strangers is something that would be as anxious as walking up to your computer and pressing the power button. It's all in your head.
The more you think it's a tough situation, the more you will struggle. You've built it in your mind that it is a huge obstacle.
Think of someone you're not nervous around. Maybe a family member or close friend. Would you think it's weird if someone said to you "woah it took a lot of courage for you to walk up to your cousin and talk". It wouldn't make sense to you, right? It would seem strange that someone would even have that kind of mindset. That's exactly how I think of all those people now who think it's an act of bravery to approach someone.
It's bizarre how much my mindset has changed in just a couple months.
As I get more time, I will detail exactly how to help eliminate these types of self-imposed social handicaps.
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3 comments:
Some people are introverts while others are extroverts. All this self-improvement hype and trying to change one's inherent personality is just media bullshit.
Prior to the media explosion, people accepted themselves for who they were.
Maybe there was that one skinny big breasted girl or that one rich guy or that one lothario you saw in the village, but they were considered outliers and beyond the norm.
Today, the media bombards you with these images daily to the point where your brain gets mindfucked into believing that everyone is beautiful, rich, and having fabulous lives. When your brain starts to believe this, it makes you question why you aren't like "everyone" else, and your brain rationalizes that you're a loser.
Anger, depression, disatisfaction, fruitless searching, plastic surgery, credit card debt, and/or self-help books ensue.
dave, those are some really good valid points! Never thought about how much soceity causes the majority of our anger and depression in life.
But I don't think this article is trying to say that you should change your inherent personality, but to bring it out. Like why are you comfortable talking to your close friends or your family members, but you're nervous around a physically attractive girl with blonde hair blue eyes?
I love this perspective, thanks for posting!
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