How long does it take to get better?

Today, I happened to take a class close to where I used to take one back in 2005. I looked out the window and I saw something that reminded me of what happened over 2 years ago.

Back then, it was the very first time I had come in contact with any type of self-help or self-improvement philosophy. I had lived my entire life in my own little socially anxious world, and thought that basically I would have to become very lucky if anything were ever to happen. Although it's good to be lucky, it's even better to combine that with confidence.

I had just gone on my first dating tips website (it focused largely on self-improvement). I was very much entertained by a thread there where this pudgy guy would walk up to different girls and try to get their phone numbers. It was the first time in my life that I could see how there were no such thing as "leagues". I had always thought of people in terms of high school. Did I have a "chance" with a girl who was better looking than me? Would I be able to be friends with a guy who was really popular and cool? This website kind of broke the matrix for me.

So what happened?

A few days later, probably Spring of 2005, I was taking a class, and I remember seeing a girl walk by herself. She was pretty...dark hair with purple hilights...a very well dressed girl in all black...maybe a little too much make up, but someone who was very attractive. She was a kind of girl who I would used to think was out of my league and not even think about talking to. I thought to myself "I should approach her like that guy on the Internet". But a very strange sensation came over me...I could almost feel the anchors of my brain pulling me back asking me "Are you serious? It's you! You're not one of those guys who is cool and just walks up to girls. You've never been popular in your entire life, you're shy, you're kind of dorky, this isn't you."

I never ended up talking to that girl.

My anchors of my identity were still at the same place. Even though I consciously could tell myself what was right, subconsciously I had deep rooted identity issues. My brain simply could not believe it.

So how much time does it take to transform?

What's weird is that socially speaking, I barely improved at all from my teen years till I was 23 because I was complacent. I had a long term relationship, and then even afterwards when I was single, I would just hope to get lucky since I had no social skills. After reading some self-help stuff on the internet and books, my identity never shifted for another year and a half. I was still a person who was extremely insecure and self-conscious. I don't think it has to take that long though....I could have pushed myself harder....I definetly should have had thicker skin when a girl rejected me.

Without a deep level change, I don't think anything else works. You can logically believe something all you want, but if in the deep emotional identity level you don't, then it's not going to do anything.

The biggest thing to shift your identity is to know that your own opinion about yourself is more important than anybody else's opinion, especially some random person who doesn't really know you at all. We are often people of circumstance. A person may not like you based on a specific situation that arose, but under a different light, they may have been very close to you. Taking other people's opinions personaly just doesn't work.

I think this is largely tied into independence. If you are very comfortable and an independent person, with some maturity/introspection on your side, it's almost impossible to care more about other people's opinions of you.

You will only care about other people's opinions about you, if you don't know who you are.

You let them define you.

I was talking to a person on a forum who illustrated these last few points quite clearly. It's what she calls projection. Everyone projects an image of the person they're talking to. You might not know the person very well, but as humans we are judgemental, and we will project who we THINK they are, even though we don't know them that well. The problem with this and dating or any other relationship, is that if you have low self-esteem, and people are projecting an image of you, and you let them define you, you will be very hurt.

These people who don't know anything about you suddenly have the power to tell you your own self-worth based on something as fickle as judgement.

Since December of 2006 till August 2007, I can honestly say I transformed from a person who would be described by most as being socially awkward to being a person who is at the utmost confident mindset. The change started in December when I had a journal of goals to purposely try to make new friends.

What ended up happening was not only did I push myself to go out more, but I became a sponge for social knowledge. When I was working at this new job, I was absorbing and learning everything about how people interacted. There were quite a few people there who could talk very well, and I learned so much about socializing with confidence. I also saw people who were awkward, and I could see with a 3rd person perspective why they failed.

Although all this stuff helped, it wasn't until I went on a vacation in August that I got a deep level change. For the first time, I felt like a successful person who legitimately felt comfort in knowing who I was as a human being. I was no longer the guy with the defeatist attitude, thinking that around every corner I could get rejected and feel the sting.

It's tough to pinpoint exactly what led to the transformation. But through this blog I will try.

Cheers,

Mister A